I am writing this because I have realized just how bizarrely uneven casual sex caters for men’s desires and I want to offer ma’ boys a perspective on how to blow a woman’s mind. The whole piece refers to heterosexual encounters and is mostly based on discussions, science, and personal experience. The examples I use might be overly drastic and generalizing.
I find it severely unfortunate that hookups (including friends with benefits), as they are practiced in this day and age, leave women sexually frustrated and in regret.
While men’s regret resolves about missed opportunities, women almost exclusively regret having seized the wrong opportunities (Morrison, Epstude & Roese, 2012; Galperin et al., 2013).
If you are a man who has had the occasional expedition, the chance is high that you are a regret for someone – and so am I.
Why do hookups suck so much for girls? For three main reasons:
Risk of safety
I always conceptually understood that women are in danger of being assaulted way more than men (Nearly 1 in 5 women have experienced completed or attempted rape in their lifetime vs. 1 in 38 men (Smith et al., 2015).
However, for myself, I never thought much about this being a possibility.
When I am alone at night wandering through the streets, I do not feel any fear. When I am meeting a stranger from Tinder for a walk, I do not hedge the chance of being kidnapped and dragged into the woods. When I am going to her place after a few drinks, I do not worry about her respecting my consent. I always feel in control, I always feel in power. Women do not have the luxury of security. For women, a one-night stand is a gamble and their physical and mental health are the stakes.
Being labeled a slut
Whenever my viper strikes my value as a man rises. I am free to express my sexuality and society applauds me for it. Imagine, how it must feel if the opposite was the case? Imagine, your gut was filled with shame whenever you shared a novel moment of intimacy? Imagine, people, even some of your ‘friends’, resent you for your sexual adventures.
We hold onto these strange ideals where we put women down over sex. Slut-shaming truly is the most idiotic thing ever (Sprecher, McKinney & Orbuch, 1991; (Endendijk, van Baar & Deković, 2020)).
Pete Davidson got it right:
Not getting off
I used to complain that this world was so unfair: “Women can get all the sex they want.” Little did I know how inaccessible good sex is for them. The problem is that a satisfying sexual experience for both genders looks vastly different. Unlike men, in most cases, women do not get much from a quick in and out. Just read about it on one of the many posts on r/SexPositive. I am sure for you this is not news. However, most of us men do not apply this knowledge (it is really difficult because of how we are wired). There is a whole research stream dedicated to this imparity named the ‘orgasm gap’ (Frederick et al., 2018; Wade, Kremer & Brown, 2005).
Just think about that one time where you did not get to finish, your lover rolling around, just nodding off. Being left there feeling incomplete, abandoned, frustrated. The next day you meet your roommate in the kitchen, your views cross and his disappointed eyes say it all: ‘What a nasty, little whore you are.’ At least you kept your sexual dignity this time.
That right there, gentlemen, is the sad world of casual sex on the other side. On top of that, we guys tend to treat women like an object that is to be conquered, used and abandoned. A big part that plays into this phenomenon has to do with us men putting our own joy over women’s. Kennair et al. (2018) found that:
Women’s [...] lower levels of sexual gratification partially explain why women regret casual sex.
It is not about skill, it is about mindset
From my experience, the biggest difference in joy for the other person makes my perspective. In other words, how I think about the encounter, the other human being involved, and myself. It all starts with mutual respect. I cannot stress this enough. We are two human beings. We both have our own little life. We both have the same value and the same right to experience happiness. We both have things we feel insecure about. We both have regrets. We both got to deal with life – and that is freaking difficult at times.
Casual sex can be a wonderful escape from all of that
Imagine, you just rocked someone’s world, you two were lost completely in the moment. Maybe she told you that you were her best, maybe you two could openly share your vulnerabilities, maybe it was simply a good fuck. The next day, you walk through the streets with your head held high. You feel like your heart, with every stroke, pounds pride through your chest. Rejuvenation. At this moment, life is beautiful. You are on top of your game and you deserve to feel this way and so does she. Celebrate mutually.
What can you do to make her feel awesome about herself?
I will talk a bit about how I go about casual sex myself. This is by no means the perfect way of doing it. My way caters to my personal strengths. Regardless, the key is that I always try to provide a value for the people I meet. Value could be anything like listening to her problems, encouraging her to dare a leap of faith, having a whole lot of fun together, etc. And no, I do not think money qualifies here. My goal is to always leave her better than I found her.
Who would you be more likely to regret having trusted, the person who gave you something, or the person who took something away from you?
I’ll go through the three phases of a casual encounter and cover what matters most to create a wonderful experience for my lovers.
It all starts with the selection. I make sure to only meet with people with whom I have matching expectations. For this, I clearly communicate the deal I am having in mind. If I only want casual sex, then I am saying exactly that. No love bombing, no maybe. If I feel she is only kind of okay with it, it is a pass. When online dating, bios can be great indicators.
I see that sometimes communicating so bluntly is unsexy and takes away the playfulness. Skipping it is fine, however, it results in more dates which are, let’s say, more on the talkative side. That is also why I only meet women who have interesting things to say. I also only meet women that I am happy to be associated with. If I would feel embarrassed to introduce her to my friends, it’s a good indicator to give her a pass. If you stick to this rule, you will also feel much better about yourself once the date is over ✨
Showtime. ‘In person’ is arguably the most difficult part of casual encounters. I want to emphasize that you don’t need to be concerned about your sexual performance. Given, it helps to have her head shaking in disbelief after the fifth orgasm, but that is not what this piece is about.
This piece is about showing her that you respect her by treating her as an equal.
How do I do that?
I respect her consent
First, and this is the most important part. I will, under no circumstances, do anything that she is not comfortable with. That means that I am extremely conscious of when I make a move. If I sense hesitation, I will respect her space and will not create any pressure. I do not need to prove anything. I do not gain or lose any points if I reach a certain base. However, in my book, I lose a hella lot of points if I break her consent.
Once I had a date with a gorgeous girl:
It is late at night and we agree that I would pick her up from her hotel that she was sharing with a co-worker. So, we drive to the room that I booked just for the occasion. We checked in and sit on the huge bed. The light is out, and I slowly move in her direction. Suddenly, I sense her being very tense, curling up in something that can only be described as a defensive pose. I immediately stop my advance and ask her: “What is wrong?” Turns out she has never done a one-night stand in her life and does not feel ready for it. Note, she would not have said anything if I had not asked her. This is mostly because culturally, saying no is considered rude and we barely said hi, so there was no trust.
Recap: I took a one-hour cab ride through one of China’s biggest metropolises, paid for a bloody expensive hotel room, and I am horny as fuck. Finally, I am one tiny bit away from what my second brain has commanded me to pursue. And all of a sudden, she changes her mind? Saying that I was infuriated would be a massive understatement. My dick was screaming in agony like Luke Skywalker hearing that Darth Vader was his father: “NOOOOOOOO!” – It is absolutely okay for me to feel that way.
What is not okay is to:
A) Give in to my urges and break her consent
B) Let her feel my disappointment
So, I did what I had to do and told her that it is okay and that we can either go to sleep or that she can leave if she feels more comfortable that way while being as friendly and caring as possible.
The point I am trying to make is that at no point does a woman owe a man anything. She can always say no even if you two are already fucking. ALWAYS. No exceptions. Also, it is our duty to be sensitive to non-verbal cues. We need to know when she thinks 'no'.
I take my time
I cherish my lover’s whole body, and I am playful with it. Rule of thumb: If you think it is time to touch her vagina, wait another 15 minutes. It depends on the circumstances, though. In some cases, a quick boom boom ciao does the trick, but that’s an exception. I also offer to eat her out. You can use a dental dam if you are afraid of STDs. Ah, it’s not weird to bring this with you. There are so many dudes out there who do irresponsible stuff like Stealthing (removing the condom mid-sex without consent) that she will be ecstatic to be with someone who is having her safety in mind.
I care for her needs without any pressure
Third, I focus on bringing her pleasure without demanding her to orgasm. It is not a secret that some women have a hard time reaching the highest sphere, especially through vaginal stimulation alone (Frederick et al., 2018). So, I always go into an encounter without expecting her to orgasm. No matter what, I am happy. Whether a woman has an orgasm is not fully in my control. Thus, it doesn’t define my worth.
In an ideal scenario, I’d bring her over the edge even before I enter. This is especially great if you are still anxious about your performance (despite me telling you otherwise 😉).
If I had come without her orgasming, I would gather all my remaining willpower to resist a seemingly irresistible force. A force that hits me like a truck and undeniably demands me to melt into the mattress. While fighting the prolactin so eagerly released by my hypothalamus, I would carry on eating her out, fingering her, or both.
If she does not twitch uncontrollably in bliss, it is okay. Amazing if she did. In any case, I want to make sure that she feels respected by me putting in the effort. I know that the amount of resilience it requires to keep going after a good nut is inhumane. It is well worth it for her and thus it is well worth it for me.
I usually spend the night as I like cuddling and I feel it is weird to leave right after as it makes it very transactional. Generally, I enjoy talking about very personal things, even before sex. A casual sex partner can be such a wonderful valve for emotional distress. If done right, this scene is intimate and free of judgment. Both of us feel the freedom to be vulnerable in front of each other.
Unless agreed on otherwise, I practice aftercare. What does that mean? If she reaches out, I will be there. If she needs advice or help, I will support her. I want her to succeed and I do what I can, within reasonable limits, to empower her. I will make sure to let her know if I have reached my capacity.
You do not need to do this kind of stuff; however, ghosting is a big nope. If you do not feel like spending more time with her, taking the time and courage to politely inform her about your decision will make a big difference in how she thinks about you. I feel aftercare ensures that she does not feel being used and thrown away. It shows that I care about her and that way she will not feel exploited.
I will also never pressure, stalk, annoy or whatever her if I want to see her again and she is unresponsive. My value does not depend on someone chasing me, but this is another topic, I guess.
The next time our dicks are telling us to get some pussy real quick, let us take a deep breath and think about whether we can provide a genuine experience for this person or if we would only end up being another regret.
To that, we never do the Stag Beetle again.
TLDR: Casual sex sucks for women because they must invest more and have a lower average return. This can partly be constituted towards men prioritizing their own fun. You can make a difference by showing respect and prioritizing female joy. Never break consent. Ultimately, just behave like you would want your daughter to be treated. Show her that she made a good choice with you, even if it was just for the night.
I first published this article on reddit in 2020.
Endendijk, J. J., van Baar, A. L., & Deković, M. (2020). He is a stud, she is a slut! A meta-analysis on the continued existence of sexual double standards. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 24(2), 163-190.
Frederick, D. A., John, H. K. S., Garcia, J. R., & Lloyd, E. A. (2018). Differences in orgasm frequency among gay, lesbian, bisexual, and heterosexual men and women in a US national sample. Archives of sexual behavior, 47(1), 273-288.
Galperin, A., Haselton, M. G., Frederick, D. A., Poore, J., von Hippel, W., Buss, D. M., & Gonzaga, G. C. (2013). Sexual regret: Evidence for evolved sex differences. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 42, 1145-1161.
Kennair, L. E. O., Wyckoff, J. P., Asao, K., Buss, D. M., & Bendixen, M. (2018). Why do women regret casual sex more than men do?. Personality and Individual Differences, 127, 61-67.
Morrison, M., Epstude, K., & Roese, N. J. (2012). Life regrets and the need to belong. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 3, 675-681.
Smith, S. G., Zhang, X., Basile, K. C., Merrick, M. T., Wang, J., Kresnow, M. & Chen, J. (2015). National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey: 2015 Data Brief. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
Sprecher, S., McKinney, K., Orbuch, T. L. (1991). The effect of current sexual behavior on friendship, dating, and marriage desirability. The Journal of Sex Research, 28, 387–408.
Wade, L. D., Kremer, E. C., & Brown, J. (2005). The incidental orgasm: The presence of clitoral knowledge and the absence of orgasm for women. Women & Health, 42(1), 117-138.