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For the longest time, I was wondering whether my fingers or my tongue are providing pleasure to the woman I dated. It always felt to be a bit like a lottery. I would whip out a random move. Then I gave that motion a shot for a couple of minutes. At some point, I either couldn't keep it up because my muscles got sore or switched things up because I was unsure whether I am on the right track. Rarely I hit the jackpot and things worked out.
Orgasms for my partners were rare and far in between. I am pointing out the obvious here - sigh. 🙄
My problem was that I could never interpret my lovers' body language. Is she just moaning out of obligation or feeling real pleasure? Is she tensing up because she is getting close or because she is battling discomfort? I had no idea how to make sense of all of that. Frankly, the ability to satisfy the women in my life stagnated longer than I'd like to admit because I couldn't understand their bodily cues.
It took me years until I could connect the dots and I hope that this article accelerates your growth at least a tiny bit.
Please, never forget that every human, every woman is different. I am generalizing and you will find that there are exceptions. Every partner responds differently to sexual stimulation. With that, take my words as a rough direction and keep an open mind. Improvise, adapt, overcome
Ask her how she likes to get stimulated
Self-aware women exist. You might be lucky and she outright tells you what she likes and how she usually communicates with her body. Having this conversation before you get intimate will make things much easier for you. Listen carefully and try to remember what she told you even once things get heated.
Some women, especially if they are under 25, are not comfortable with sharing their sexual preferences. Many women are also unable to precisely articulate how their body responds as they get stimulated. That's okay. The more you know about your lover before a sexual experience, the easier it is for you to inspire bliss.
Don't be ashamed to get something wrong.
You are a human and you can't read minds. It's okay to need a little guidance from your lover to get her off. As long as you are empathetic and willing to listen, you are golden.
Let her body be your guide
As men, we have a very limited understanding of how arousal and sexual pleasure feel from a female's perspective. As guys, we often tend to be way more "goal-oriented" in bed. Our obvious center of pleasure is between our legs. Pleasure works for women quite differently. It's a full-body thing and heavily context-dependent (Laan & Janssen, 2007). We should also always consider that there is no such thing as the perfect way to stimulate all woman. The ultimate technique doesn't exist. To instill the ultimate pleasure, you need to be able to interpret your lover's body language and adapt your behavior accordingly.
I am sure you have your toolkit of things that are typically well-received. Make use of that and sometimes a minor tweak can go a long way. Women are more receptive to subtle nuances compared to us. Tiny changes to your motion can make huge differences for a woman. To give you an idea, some women have even preferences on which side of the clitoral glans they get stimulated. It's not a big surface area we are talking about, I know. That's why it's even more important to be genuinely curious about her arousal and how she communicates pleasure. Let's have a look at the most common ways women communicate while getting rubbed, fingered or eaten out.
Breathing
Pretty self-explanatory. Let me explain.
She takes deeper breaths
What does it mean?
At the beginning of the sexual experience, this is a sign that she starts to relax and let loose.
What to do?
Simply continue to be playful. Vary with speed and pleasure seamlessly to try to find out what she responds well to. Don't do any abrupt movements or changes. Try to go create a flow. You can caress and kiss her whole body in a gentle and loving way.
Her breathing accelerates
What does it mean?
This means that she is feeling high levels of arousal and sexual pleasure.
What to do?
At this point, you might want to enable her to climax. To help her orgasm, keep a steady rhythm, pace, and pressure that you can comfortably hold for at least 5 minutes straight.
Breathing gets rapid and shallow
What does it mean?
By now she is extremely aroused and dwelling in sexual pleasure. This is a strong indicator that she is close to orgasm.
What to do?
If you want to bring her to orgasm, then you should continue with the current motion at all costs. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you have to increase the intensity to get her over the edge. Do not increase the pressure, don't accelerate. Just stay with what you got. However, there are plenty of things that you can do to help her tip over:
- Moan louder (yes, a moaning man is a turn on for most women)
- Tell her something dirty
- Tell her how much you love her (if you do)
- Kiss her more intensely (if you are only using your hands)
- Caress her breasts
Pelvic tilt
Pelvic tilt is the torch that leads a man to the treasure of female sexual pleasure. Pelvic tilt is one of the strongest indicators because unlike many other bodily responses it is semi-intentional and pretty much all women do it.
She tilts her hips away from your fingers
You can also interpret it as shying away, retrieving. A strong visual cue is that her back arches while she is lying on her it.
What does it mean?
This means that what you are doing is not pleasurable for her. This could have several potential reasons:
- You are either applying too much pressure, you go too fast, or both.
- The area is not lubricated well enough
- You are touching her clitoral glans too directly
- You are scraping her with your sharp nails because you didn't clip them before
- You are scratching her with your teeth
What to do?
Don't panic. She is communicating with you and that's a good thing. You want to immediately reduce the pressure and slow down. If she was shying away fiercely, please ask her about it. It's always better to calmly ask instead of hurting her.
"Am I too rough? How do you like to be touched?" - It's pretty easy on paper.
Check whether everything is fully lubricated. If not, try to gently spread some vaginal fluid from her vagina to her vulva, use some spit or lube.
I also met a woman once that couldn't come if her clitoris was not dry while fingering. Just goes to show how different humans are.
Soon after you've taken these steps, she should revert her pelvic tilt to a neutral position. Now, continue stimulating her and slowly (!) increase the intensity. If your nails are too long, then you need to go super careful and abstain from any penetration - we will cut'em next time.
She tilts her hips towards your fingers
Here, she is coming towards you, pushing herself into your hand. She might even be grinding or writhing around. The key indicator is that she is increasing the force, or friction between her legs deliberately.
What does it mean?
A tilt towards you means that she is enjoying herself and is very much aroused. Heavy grinding often implies that she feels safe and is able to enjoy the moment without being held back by insecurities or worries.
What to do?
Try to slowly apply more pressure so that you match her force. She is telling you that she is ready for more intense stimulation. Still, no sudden changes. Try to create a flowing change. Be like water. If you are feeling playful, you can also withdraw your hand or mouth slightly to make her ache for more before you connect with her more intensely.
Vocals
She sights
You should also be able to observe that her body becomes more relaxed with time.
What does it mean?
This is a sign that she is starting to let loose. She seems to settle into the sexual experience with you.
What to do?
Continue to create comfort by showing her that she is in safe hands and that you are excited to make her feel pleasure. You can do this by making her honest compliments about her body, the way she moves, or the feelings you have for her. Usually circular motions are well-received.
She makes hissing noises
This is similar to the sound that you make when you see a video of a guy skateboarding on a railing who ends up falling on his nuts.
What does it mean?
It means that she is experiencing something between significant discomfort and moderate pain. Hissing is very likely accompanied by heavily tilting her pelvic floor away from.
What to do?
Immediately stop what you are doing and ask her if she is okay. If she is experiencing discomfort you need to know why. It’s important that you don’t freak out. Try to be calm and understand what you need to do differently. If she confirms that she was experiencing discomfort, please ask her if she needs a break or wants to keep going. At this point, you want to empower your lover to give you a bit more guidance. Ensure her that you are trying to please her and that this is a shared experience that is supposed to be pleasurable for both of you. If she tells you to continue, resume slowly, be gentle, and pay close attention. You can also ask her from time to time how she feels or even what she’d like you to do.
She moans louder or more frequently
You might also observe that she is tilting her pelvic floor towards you.
What does it mean?
She is getting more and more aroused. She also feels a lot of sexual pleasure.
What to do?
Similar to when her breathing accelerates, you can play with her a little more until you might want to enable her to climax. To help her orgasm, keep a steady rhythm, pace, and pressure that you can comfortably hold for at least 5 minutes straight.
“I am going to cum”
She might let you know while moaning heavily and breathing rapidly.
What does it mean?
She thinks that she is going to have an orgasm soon. The way you are stimulating her right now is just right so that she can climax if you continue. Some women say this just seconds before they orgasm. More often than not the mind-blowing orgasm is still a few moments away and it’s surely not a done deal. Sometimes saying it out loud can create pressure for a woman which then makes it difficult to let go and orgasm.
What to do?
From our own experience, we believe knowing that faster and harder is better. It’s far from the truth with most women. If a woman tells you that she is about to have an orgasm, she wants you to keep doing exactly what you are doing at that moment. “I am going to cum” doesn’t mean “go faster and apply more pressure”. It means, “please don’t change a thing now.”
Arm movement
She reaches with her hand to your hand
This is related to the hand that is between her legs. More often than not this is a very gentle gesture and she is not necessarily taking her hand away from her privates.
What does it mean?
It’s often an indicator that she doesn’t feel comfortable with the way she is being touched. Her pelvic tilt, breathing patterns, and other indicators can give you more context. If she has been stimulated for a long time, very intensely, or just had an orgasm this gesture is much more likely as she is very sensitive and might even be a bit irritated.
What to do?
In most cases, you want to take your hands away from her privates. Ask her how she feels and what she’d like to do. It’s always okay to take a break or stop entirely.
She pushes you away
This could be very mild or even with some force.
What does it mean?
This means that she wants you to stop.
What to do?
Well, you stop and create distance between yourself and her. Once you aren’t touching each other anymore, you can ask her about it. Don't be pushy and proactively offer her to stop entirely to do something else or say goodbye.
She touches her breasts
She might be playing with her nipples to add extra stimulation.
What does it mean?
It means that she likes her breasts to be stimulated. It also means that she is comfortable around you and is letting go, fully celebrating her sensations.
What to do?
You might want to pay special attention to her breasts at some point. Maybe not right away, simply take a mental note and eventually get to her mammary glands. Generally, you are on the right track. Some dirty words could get her going even more.
She is pulling back her clitoral hood
She would usually place her hand at her mound of Venus and pulls it slightly towards her chest.
What does it mean?
She enjoys direct clitoral stimulation and she is enabling you to stimulate her even better.
What to do?
Be extra sure that her clitoris is well-lubricated becaue dry, direct friction is painful for almost all women. You can slowly try applying a bit more pressure and see how she reacts. Later on also pull back the clitoral hood yourself in case she gets tired or to help her fully lean into the immense pleasure you are giving her.
Facial expression
I personally always found it difficult to derive any information about how much pleasure a woman feels from her facial expressions. My anecdotal evidence seems to be backed by science as pain and sexual pleasure are activitating very similar facial muscles (Fernández-Dols, Carrera & Crivelli, 2011). That’s why I recommend not to focus too much on your lover’s facial expressions to make this particular distinction.
Direct bodily responses
Wetness is an inconsistent indicator. Wetness doesn’t necessarily mean arousal and a dry vagina doesn’t mean that a woman is not aroused. In general, sexual bodily responses like vaginal swelling or hard nipples are inconsistent. Don't rely on them too much. According to scientists (Laan & Everaerd, 1995) genital arousal is one of the less important factors in a woman's perception of her sexual arousal.
Everyone is different and that’s a good thing
I can’t mention it enough. Every woman is different and these are just generalizations. As long as you communicate openly and are putting an honest effort into pleasing your lover you are good. Please, don’t be afraid to make mistakes. Even if she expresses that she isn’t enjoying it that’s a good thing. You’ve learned something new about your partner. Also, don’t put yourself under too much pressure to perform. It’s okay to take some time to learn this skill. It took me years and I am still learning.
Sex is a skill that can be learned, and interpreting your partners sexual responses is one of the most difficult and important aspects of being a great lover. Continue to sharpen your awareness and you will get there sooner or later. I promise.
This article was inspired by my collaboration with the ohhh! Foundation, which originated from Youth Against AIDS, and their educational project FAQ YOU. If you speak German and want to learn more about sex in general, or specifically fingering and cunnilingus you should definitely visit their blog or have a chat with their sex ed chat bot✨
References
Fernández-Dols, J. M., Carrera, P., & Crivelli, C. (2011). Facial behavior while experiencing sexual excitement. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 35(1), 63-71.
Laan, E., & Everaerd, W. (1995). Determinants of female sexual arousal: Psychophysiological theory and data. Annual Review of Sex Research, 6(1), 32-76.
Laan, E., & Janssen, E. (2007). How do men and women feel? Determinants of subjective experience of sexual arousal. The psychophysiology of sex, 278-290.
