Typically, I write for men. Today, I made an exception and wrote for you. I am trying to build a bridge.
In a romantic partnership, it’s not easy to create a sex life that fulfills everyone’s needs. I found that male sexual pleasure is often at the center while female bliss is an afterthought. With my work, I want to change this. Every human being deserves happiness and sexual fulfillment. That’s why I want to share with you how to help your boyfriend or husband to fully satisfy your needs.
My words are for you and it doesn’t matter whether you currently aren’t happy with your sex or if you just want to put the cherry on top.
You will learn how to empower your partner to work together with you to create mind-blowing sexual experiences for both of you.
Why do I care about this?
I was a young, inexperienced boy, fresh out of high school. Coming from a conservative village in central Germany, I was striving to be “a real man”. My girlfriend at the time was already 24. For the first two months of our relationship, I believed that I was born a sex god. She was moaning, she came plenty. At least that’s what I thought.
Then she broke the news: “I’ve been faking orgasms all along. You have never made me cum!”
Needless to say, I was devastated. My ego - obliterated. Her saying that put a huge dent in my shining armor. I was hurting and I questioned my manliness over this more than I care to admit. All I wanted was to fix it and to prove to her that I was a man.
My chest was filled with shame. Thus, I felt like I was alone in this. We both didn’t communicate well about our needs. I was hurt and felt like she wasn’t collaborating. I lacked feedback and so improving felt like an impossible task.
After our relationship ended, I explored my sexual potential far beyond what I thought was attainable for me. With this piece, I want to support you so that you can grow sexually together without so much pain. What I know now is what we would have needed 8 years ago. So here we go:
Step 1: Internalize that you deserve sex that fulfills you
I want to empower your wish for a better sex life. You don’t have to settle for what you got at the moment. Growth can be difficult, but it is worth leaving your comfort zone for. At the end of the day, you and your partner will spend a long time together, maybe even a lifetime. A good relationship fulfills everyone involved - not just one person, let alone no one. It serves everyone!
By expressing to him what satisfies you, you are neither demanding nor difficult. This is you being constructive and courageous. Getting sex right is hard. In a heterosexual relationship, both partners have fundamentally different expectations from their ideal sex life. You two are a team and that means that you are working together to make the best out of your relationship. Everyone involved is a human being. Sex is human. All human beings have the same right to sexual fulfillment. Your sexuality constitutes a big part of your life and your happiness.
So if you are not content with how intimacy is going now, it’s your right to address that.
You are on your way to a sustainable relationship.
Truth be told, an unhappy sex life is a perfect set-up for developing an honest connection with your partner. You two now are forced to develop good and mindful communication. Going on this journey towards sexual fulfillment forces both of you two to openly express your emotions. With time, you will automatically grow closer together and your relationship becomes better than ever.
For this to happen, you need to have empathy for your partner’s perspective so that we can find words that hit fruitful soil and spark positive change.
Step 2: Take a glimpse into the male mind
You might feel frustrated towards your partner. That’s okay. Understanding their situation will help you to overcome these feelings.
Most men’s masculinity is fragile like a Jasmine flower. In western culture, the image of the ideal man is incredibly narrow: “being assertive, demonstrating bravery through risk-taking, upholding heterosexuality and rejecting femininity, and establishing dominance through aggression” (Rubin, Blackwell & Conley, 2020)
Most of society refers to men who behave according to these normative masculinity standards as “real men” (ibid.). No matter how progressive your relationship might be, your partner is influenced by this idea that he needs to be strong and competent for you to love him.
We men always act tough.
Yet on the inside, anxiety and insecurity are companions we can count on. We men want to be desired, want to be loved. So hearing that our partners are not happy with our sexual performance is likely to trigger a whole bunch of fears. For instance, that we are at the brink of losing the human we love the most.
Men already have a performance mindset when it comes to sex and we often feel like we are judged by an audience (Ibid.). So it’s no surprise that the most common issues that men experience sexually can all be caused by performance anxiety (Fordyce & Pathak, 2021; McCabe, 2005):
- Erectile Dysfunction
- Premature Ejactulation
- Difficulty to orgasm
- Low sex drive
Arguably the biggest symbol for manliness is the phallus. It’s no secret that loads of men worry about whether they are packing enough. Regardless of the fact that countless studies show that you women don't care all that much about how big our fellow is (Lever, Frederick & Peplau, 2006).
Why are penis size and sexual prowess such a big deal for guys?
Because we fear that we are unworthy of love and belonging. Of course, the idea that you need 8 inches to receive love is us being irrational. Yes, men are irrational. Even though being irrational is considered feminine and unmanly. As you can see, our manliness dilemma is real. At the core, we are soft and want to be pampered. Yet, we feel that we need to put on our rugged armor and act all tough.
“Boys don’t cry”
Even though crying is a healthy way to accept and express one’s emotions. The thing is that growing up, boys have been told countless times to man up or not to be a pussy. Over the years many men find themselves disconnected from their emotions because they were made fun of for it in the past. In other words, we think that we will be rejected and become undesirable once we express our emotions. So how do you help someone who is most likely not that great at opening up?
Step 3: Start the conversation with love and compassion
Telling your man that you want to change things up in bed or even that he doesn’t sexually satisfy you will most likely trigger his fear of rejection. His mind will start to rattle, the feelings of not being enough might fill his belly. He will feel insecure about himself and your love towards him.
So please, don’t get tired of mentioning how much you love him. Also, be physically affectionate, give him hugs and kisses. You want to assure him that you are here to stay and that you two are supporting each other on this journey. You most likely know best what makes him feel loved. If you are unsure, I recommend reading this book:
This book will give you great insight into how to express your love to your partner and vice versa. In any way, you can start by telling him that you want to improve your sex life because he is important to you and you see a future with him. This is the truth. If you wouldn’t care about him or your relationship, you’d simply move on and find a new partner. It’d be easier.
Get to know your own body.
Knowing what you like is a long journey in itself. You might already have a firm grip on what you like. If so, that’s great. However, I still encourage you to look further. If you want to learn more about your own pleasure, I recommend this book to you:
In any way, you want to clearly be able to articulate what you’d like to change. Not easy, I know. If you are having trouble with this, take a pen and paper and write stuff down.
Identify what exactly needs to change.
Good sex consists of many variables. If you can pinpoint what exactly you are missing, it’s much easier for you to help him understand.
A few things you can think of:
- Is he too tense or in his head? Does he have difficulty getting or maintaining an erection? Is he coming very quickly? Then it’s likely that he is having performance anxiety. Try to be extra supportive and have an open conversation about it.
- Do you feel pressured to do certain things you don’t want to do? If that’s the case, this is under no circumstances okay. It’s okay to set your boundaries and he has to accept them. Please evaluate whether you are safe and seek professional help if necessary.
- Is he too rough? Many guys watch way too much porn and thus think that sex needs to be like on the screen.
Take your time to reflect on your sex life for a few minutes.
Are there any aspects that you would like to add? Please let me know at: firstname.lastname@example.org
Tell him honestly what you are not satisfied with.
Beating around the bush ain’t the way. This is the time to be honest and frank. I know, the truth hurts, and it can feel brutal. You’ve probably learned growing up that girls shouldn’t be too demanding. I say that’s bullshit. You are providing your partner with the opportunity to grow and make you happy. Don’t take that from him by keeping it shut.
Imagine that your roles were reversed:
Whenever you are going down on your partner, he would feel discomfort instead of pleasure. You are feeling all sexy as your lips wrap around his shaft, but all he is feeling is your teeth scraping. Every time he thinks of excuses to fiddle his way out of your lips. He never tells you this because he is scared that he would hurt your feelings or because he simply doesn’t have the guts. 10 years go by and all his moans have been a lie.
You are being honest and you are brave because he is important to you. Your joint future means more to you than temporary harmony. Staying quiet is the easy way. Breaking up is the easy way. Sharing what you like to change is difficult and the right way. It’s the only way that will make things better and evolve your relationship.
Be as specific as you can.
For us men, sex is very straightforward. We get horny and then we want to put our penis inside. Since we know only about this experience, it’s logical to assume that it must be the same for women. As you probably know, that is not the case. Many men have difficulty grasping how female pleasure works. That means that you want to be super specific when you give feedback to your partner.
If you say:
“I want more foreplay.”
Your partner will be puzzled. He won’t have a clue. He will wonder about stuff like whether cunnilingus counts as foreplay or sex. Instead of giving him vague ideas, tell him clear instructions. We guys love manuals because they are to the point and even come with illustrations. Tell him what more foreplay means to you and why you like it: Kisses all over your body, pinching your nipples, him teasing you until you are dripping from anticipation?
If you don’t know exactly what you like, just tell him that you would like to try something and then tell him something specific that sounds hot. Even if it doesn’t get you going, you can always ask him to try something else next time.
Tip: Start the conversation when both of you are well-rested and in a good mood. Don’t open the conversation right before or after sex.
A few things to avoid:
- Don’t act like you know it all
Because you don’t. Even if you are an experienced woman, there is plenty to learn. So keep an open mind and don’t see it like he is the only one that needs to catch up. Consider this whole thing as an opportunity to reevaluate your preferences and what gets you off. Human sexuality has much to offer and I am sure you’ve only bantered with a minority of the whole. Try stuff together. Experiment. If he senses that you think you got everything figured out and he needs to catch up, he will quickly start to feel resentment towards sex and you. You also want to consider that him not being able to satisfy you, doesn’t mean that he is unable to satisfy anyone. Sexual pleasure is highly individual. So, don’t straight up tell him that he is not good at sex.
- No matter what, don’t bring up the size of his penis
He won’t be able to change his penis size and talking about it will spark an odyssey of insecurities. If his penis is something that bothers you then you have two options:
Either you accept him fully and what he is packing or you move on
Anyhow, your lips are sealed. 🤫
- Don’t compare him to your past partners
This just creates pressure and reinforces the performance mindset. Creating artificial competition is the last thing you want. There is no reason for you to mention any previous lovers.
Step 4: Have lots of sex and provide live feedback
Practice is everything. I know that it’s hard to get into the mood if sex isn’t that great. Don’t pressure yourself into doing it if you aren’t feeling it at all. Take your time. You are not competing in a race. This is all for enjoyment, so take it easy.
Still, you want to ensure that you are regularly “practicing”. You can’t expect any improvement out of the blue. Your partner can only get so far by reading.
Show him what you like.
The first few sexy times after reading this, try to see it as a pleasure class. If your partner doesn’t have the right technique for you, show him how you masturbate. Then allow him to try it with you and constantly inform him how you feel. That said, spending time demonstrating what you like and instructing in person will support your partner a lot. Your partner will be grateful and get the hang sooner rather than later.
With oral and manual sex, pressure and speed can make astronomical differences. We guys are used to working with our penis which is fairly big and easy to see. Shaft, tip, and balls are extremely easy to distinguish. A vulva on the other hand is way more difficult to navigate and especially the clitoris can be hard to find. Stimulating the vagina has the added difficulty that you can’t see anything while your fingers are inside. It’s like a black box if you will and that’s why it’s vital to …
Give constructive feedback.
The single most useful thing you can do is to provide live feedback while you are having sex. Sounds weird and unsexy? Doesn’t have to be. If you agree on a communicational code you can guide your partner without breaking the heat of the moment. For instance, you could tell him that moaning means that it feels good while a hissing noise indicates that it’s not so enjoyable. Every couple is different and I am sure you can come up with a system that works for you. If nonverbal communication doesn’t work, telling your partner straight up will get the job done.
Many women tend to fake orgasms when their partner is doing something they don’t like to escape the situation. If you fake an orgasm you are destined to get the same treatment again. How is your partner supposed to know that you didn’t like what he did? Don’t fake an orgasm. Ever! It’s better to tell him bluntly that you are not feeling it and want to stop or take a break.
Don’t be afraid to bring the toys.
Sex of the 21st century is “toyful”. Sex toys are everywhere. You don’t have to hide them from your partner. Incorporate them into your mutual play. This way, you can get satisfied even if some bits are still not how you’d like them to be. For instance, let him play with your nipples while your vibrator stimulates your vagina. It’s easy to implement and gives you quick results. This way, it’s also much easier for you to get excited about practice. I mean, a reward is waiting for you in the end.
If your partner feels intimidated by the idea of welcoming a toy into your sex life, tell him to read my blog. I’ll soon write about why men should be happy to say yes to their women’s sex toys.
Establish an after sex debrief.
After the sex is before the sex. You definitely want to discuss what you like and what you don’t like. The same goes for your partner. Remember, everyone’s pleasure can be increased here. Don’t forget to cover what he found helpful live feedback so that you get better at telling him what you like. Also, this should not be a one-sided road. It’s also his time to tell you how he liked it.
Questions to cover:
- What did you like best?
- Why did you like that?
- What did you like the least?
- Why didn’t you like that?
- What do you want him to do next / more / less?
Always praise things you like as that will reinforce this behavior. Writing things down is always a great idea. Consider starting a sex diary.
The sooner you put the cards on the table the better. Every fake moan makes it more painful to tell the truth. Don’t procrastinate. Get up and get started! Think of all the amazing sex you are missing out on. The years can rush by without speaking up. Today is the day to make the health of your relationship and your mutual sexual pleasure your priority.
Nothing of this is easy. It’s part of life, and life is pretty damn difficult at times. You can do it. You two will do it. I promise you that it’s well worth it in the end.
Fordyce, K. & Pathak, N. (2021). Male Sexual Dysfunction. Retrieved 20 September 2021, from URL
James R. Mahalik, Benjamin D. Locke, Larry H. Ludlow, Matthew A. Diemer, Ryan P. J. Scott, Michael Gottfried, and Gary Freitas. 2003. Development of the Conformity to Masculine Norms Inventory. Psychology of Men & Masculinity 4, 1: 3–25.
Lever, J., Frederick, D. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2006). Does size matter? Men's and women's views on penis size across the lifespan. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 7(3), 129.
McCabe, M. P. (2005). The role of performance anxiety in the development and maintenance of sexual dysfunction in men and women. International journal of stress management, 12(4), 379.
Rubin, J. D., Blackwell, L., & Conley, T. D. (2020, April). Fragile masculinity: Men, gender, and online harassment. In Proceedings of the 2020 CHI Conference on Human Factors in Computing Systems (pp. 1-14).