The journey of mastering one's sexual stamina is long. Not even I can promise you that you will beat your PE. There just is no guarantee. That's why it can feel like walking in a forest while a thick fog is compromising your vision. You are uncertain whether you are on the right path. Will you ever get to where you are headed? Does that forest ever end? Does the place where I want to go even exist?
Soon the uncertainty becomes a seedling for doubt. Doubt that starts to undermine your consistency. The routine that you kept going so diligently crumbles.
"Missing one day of Kegels won't make a difference. I've been doing them for the last 30 days."
You are saying to yourself as you skip that day.
A few days later your inner voice tells you:
"You've been doing these exercises for a whole month and nothing has changed. Are you sure this stuff is worth your time?"
You skip your practice another time as you are bathing in self-pity. The following day, you can't get yourself to do the work the neither.
A few months go by, but the sense of inadequacy sticks to your heels like dogshit on your sneakers. Your frustration rises. Your self-worth declines.
"You got to do something about your Premature Ejaculation (PE). You got to get your sex life under control. You got to man up."
The cycle continues.
You are not alone
PE is considered the most common sexual disorder in men and leaves even erectile dysfunction in the dust. Approximately 30% of the sexually active male population experiences PE in their lifetime (Carson & Gunn, 2006). Nonetheless, the topic is heavily stigmatized and since no one of your friends likes to admit that they are suffering too, it feels like you are the only one struggling with this medical condition. You are not alone with this common issue. We are over 2 billion.
Systematic trial and error is the way
The reality is that 85-98% of people with this sexual dysfunction have a curable form of PE (calculated according to: (Gao et al. 2013; Serefoglu et al. 2010; Waldinger et al., 2009)). In other words, there seems to be at least an 85% chance that you can beat your PE. Still, you don't know for sure right now where you stand. Despite this uncertainty, you need to act with rigor and consistently keep trying. We don't have a proven method that helps everyone. So try different treatment options and stick with them until you know whether it's helping you or not. Doing some exercises for one month won't give you that certainty. It takes a minimum of 6-12 months of consistency to know whether something is effective at restoring your sexual function.
Overcoming my PE was one of the best things I've done in my life
Since I've learned to control when I orgasm, I've grown a lot sexually. For me, sex used to be connected with stress, shame, and frankly sadness. To top it all off, I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about my sexual functioning. My identity as a man wasn't cutting it.
Today, look at me. I am writing about sex. My words help people to have their first threesomes. I've been to places like KitKatClub in Berlin and had sex in front of strangers. Sexual activity has become probably my favorite way of expressing myself as a human being.
After beating my rapid ejaculation, sex became one of my safest places. When I have sex, I feel safe and comfortable. I am not worried about my performance. I can fully immerse myself in the intimacy, the connection, the pleasure. By releasing my impatient seed I've granted myself freedom. I fucking did it and I love my past self for showing up. I've worked so hard to get here and I can say that every single clench of my pelvic floor, every breathing exercise, and every stretch was worth it.
Why you want to give up
Learning, in general, is something that requires a lot of effort. Our brains are wired in a way to preserve energy and seek short-term pleasure over long-term success. The feeling of initial motivation can feel overwhelmingly powerful. We get inspired because of external inputs. Just like you are now feeling inspired from reading my words. For a moment or two, we feel like we can make that change that we craved for so long. It almost seems trivial. The path is clear, taking a step seems easy.
Unfortunately, we underestimate the effort it takes. We seek shortcuts where no shortcuts are to be found. We want results yesterday and so we are disappointed that our progress appears to take forever. Our mind doesn't get tired of reminding us that all these exercising, reading, and inner work is in fact exhausting.
You will fail until you don't
For the majority of my PE crisis, I was in a monogamous relationship. Unfortunately, we didn't have sex very frequently because my girlfriend didn't like what I was doing in the bedroom. So I would always have 1-3 months of training before the next attempt. I kid you not, I trained my ass off. Remember, I didn't have access to a proper training plan back then and just did stuff through trial and error. After 2 months of diligent exercise, I had sex with my girlfriend again. I thought this time everything would be different. I felt ready and then...
BAM! I came in 30 seconds.
"Fuck my life." I felt like a sexual failure and was on the brink of giving up.
Welcome to the valley of disappointment.
The valley of disappointment is the place where you feel like your results are just not coming in as you expected them to come in. It's a place where you feel betrayed. All this effort and your intravaginal ejaculation latency time (IELT) isn't increasing? The plan must be flawed or you must have been doing something wrong.
The reality is that gaining control over your time of ejaculation is a skill that is strenuous to acquire. So this time, I am afraid, you are facing a big ass valley. It's okay to feel discouraged. It's okay to fail.
Success requires discipline
My girlfriend and I broke up eventually. I was on a dry spell for at least 6 months after that. I continued regardless with my practice. Every day, despite moving countries, changing jobs. While I was in China, I met a wonderful woman and had sex with her. It was on a construction site next to the bar where we were partying. Drunk courage made me do it. I came quickly but in that context it was appropriate and she didn't seem to mind. We went on a date the next day and ended up having sex again in a proper bed.
The endless hours of practice despite the unknown finally had paid off. Finally, I was free from my PE. I was on top of the world.
Get your shit together
You can't expect to win this battle if you are camping. It's just a bunch of simple exercises that you got to keep on doing. Remember how freaking crappy you feel. Heck, how miserable you've felt for years and years. Get some perspective on life. Your PE won't magically go away. Do you want to stay inside this pit that is keeping you from enjoying sex and feeling happy for the rest of your life or do you want to finally show up for yourself and do your fucking job? It's your responsibility to do the work, every day to make this change happen. You are the only one who can do something about your PE. No one can solve this for you. No money in the world can buy you this freedom. The path might not be linear and you got to keep on trying. That's the only chance that you'll find what works for you. Trust the process and you shall prevail. As you ring the bell of victory, your future self will thank you eternally:
"This was one of the best things that I've done in my life."
If one man can do it, so can another.
Carson, C., & Gunn, K. (2006). Premature ejaculation: definition and prevalence. International journal of impotence research, 18(1), S5-S13.
Gao, J., Zhang, X., Su, P., Liu, J., Xia, L., Yang, J., ... & Liang, C. (2013). Prevalence and Factors Associated with the Complaint of Premature Ejaculation and the Four Premature Ejaculation Syndromes: A Large Observational Study in China. The journal of sexual medicine, 10(7), 1874-1881.
Serefoglu, E. C., Cimen, H. I., Atmaca, A. F., & Balbay, M. D. (2010). The distribution of patients who seek treatment for the complaint of ejaculating prematurely according to the four premature ejaculation syndromes. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 7(2), 810-815.
Waldinger, M. D., McIntosh, J., & Schweitzer, D. H. (2009). A five-nation survey to assess the distribution of the intravaginal ejaculatory latency time among the general male population. The journal of sexual medicine, 6(10), 2888-2895.